I want to have your abortion
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
