Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
