I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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