You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
