you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
