oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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