I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
