At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
