Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
