watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize