Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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