did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He felt like a one man threesome
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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