Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize