____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
