I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I love you.
Bad choice
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
