Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
