Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
