porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
