I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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