I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
