So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
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