note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
