checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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