so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
