you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
