he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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