I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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