Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
