hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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