so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
