your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
