Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
