I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize