Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
