i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm too high and old for this...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
