im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize