shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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