I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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