You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
