I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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