Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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