I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
