I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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