She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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