I think im going to throw up on grandma
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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