can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
