Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
