You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
