i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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