I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
