Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
