i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
