A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
