the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize