I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
