Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
