I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
