Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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