Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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