First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
