I'd wear matching sweaters with you
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
