I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
