I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
