this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
