She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
