please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
