Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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