I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
